• Karissa Chmil

A Scientific Note on Bookworms

Bookworms are intriguing creatures, and scientists have never quite been able to classify them—their best attempt lies somewhere between geniuses and madmen, with a hint of a silent caterpillar for unknown reasons. 


However, they have accumulated three steps with which to identify this fascinating creature, which are now presented to you.


To begin with, bookworms talk about books—a lot.


This is a surefire way to identify them, especially by their signature phrase: “Have you ever read. . . ?” However, this should be taken with a grain of salt, because other species will occasionally claim this phrase as well. 


Bookworms are often very protective of books and will hotly defend them from criticism, regardless of their own personal opinion of the book in question. When someone mentions books five times in five minutes, they very well may be a bookworm.


Moving on, the next step of identification is the fact that bookworms read all the time. But a word of warning: though this may seem to be the most obvious, it is easily overlooked, as it is done so naturally. 


Bookworms will simply slip into a book, and it is much easier to notice someone for being present than for being absent. 


While bookworms do read as a whole three or four times more than any other species (their closest competitors being the Professor, genius English, class College), they do not read as much as they wish. Many of their dreams include a castle full of books and nothing else to do. 


They can also be identified by the fact that they bring a book everywhere—sleepovers, school, bed, etc. Look for those who leave the conversation to go read in a corner, and you’ve probably found your bookworm.


And, finally, our third step: bookworms prefer reading above all else. 


This can be difficult to test, especially as few bookworms appreciate being taken to a lab for analysis (believe us, we’ve tried), but once you complete this step you have your answer. 


And please note: all means all—books are preferred by our strange little bookworms over movies, games, society, even (!) sleep. While bookworms are mainly diurnal, they have been known to pull a blanket over their heads at night (see cocoon), turn on a flashlight, and read. 


However, it is very, very hard to catch them in the act. Remember: reading is the bookworms’ treasure, and they prize it above all else.


Or, at least, we assume they do; they’ve been rather resistant to testing up to this point.


We of the scientific community sincerely hope that these three steps are useful in identifying the bookworm. 


As we have already said, they are intriguing creatures and very unique, to say the least. Will they ever make sense? Most likely not. Can we do without them? Once again, no.


Happy hunting!

 

Based on this “scientific analysis”, would you define yourself as a bookworm?


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